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The Yao Ming of Pool Floats Is Here

"In today’s Instagram-obsessed, Snap Story world, one is judged not by the content of their character but by the size of their pool float. We don’t like this world, but we live in it. So here you go." - Elian G
Take Back What's Yours

Far too long have we lived under the illusion that overzealous pool floats are for the rich and famous. 

Sure, T. Swift created the massive pool float trend circa summer 2k16 and since then, every celeb from RiRi to Vanessa Hudgens to the Biebs has found themselves afloat a glorified, 3-millimeter-thick vinyl pool toy.

Starting today, it's our turn to make love on water.

                                                                                                                                     

Lavish Pool Floats For Average Joes

There are two types of people in this world...

Those who pee in the pool and liars

That fact begs the age-old question: Is there a difference between peeing in the pool or peeing into the pool? Yes. One's asking for a felony and the other's a mutual, unspoken source of warm relief.

That's What Chlorine's For

Pool floats aren't just for infinity pools and LA cabana clubs. They're for crossing roadside creeks that double as irrigation ditches, seeking safety from floods, and lounging lazily in your trailer park's communal above-ground pool.

Your Own Golden Goose

Anybody can hop on with a champagne flute, snap a pic for IG, and say they clocked some time atop a giant float. 

However, a 2nd-degree sunburn from four SPF-less hours spent unconscious on a float of the continental United States is what separates the true enthusiast from those who sip on half-and-half mimosas.

95% Cook's, 5% OJ

That's a Mimosa

Before massive pool floats, the only cool people to ever shirt-swim were Leonardo DiCaprio and Navy SEALS.

We know what you're thinking: "What am I going to do for the next 15 minutes while I waitfor this chili-dog and 7-layer bean dip to digest?"

That donut is all that stands between you from the immediate gratification your body so deeply desires. No fifteen-minute waiting period required. Plop your butt in it, push some bubbles out, and enjoy the relief your body needs, without fear of a life-ending cramp.

                                                                                                                                   
Introducing Over-Oversized Pool Floats Only For The Rich and Famous...

For all you celebs on our list, now that the rest of the world has last year's pool toy, we give you 2x Oversized Water Art.

They start at $249 so peasants can't afford them. You need a gigantic pool to fit them, which poor people also cannot afford. Your Instagrams are safe for another year.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Well, in the land of the Instagram celeb, the (wo)man with the ten-foot-tall flamingo pool float is king. 
...because the difference between a Rubber Ducky and an 8-Foot Arctic Rubber Ducky is the time it took for a Mid-May blizzard to roll through and ruin our last-minute, planned photoshoot.
                                                                                                                                   

Snatch It & Shine On 

 

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