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Spring Break 2k17

It's That Time Of The Year

Some of you are heading to the angelic mountains of Aspen. Others are bound for South Padre to pick up a few STDs.

Sadly, most of you are reading this from your cubicle...making the only trip you're taking is one down memory lane.


For everyone else, we took to the free-to-use image section of Ask Jeeves and painted a picture of what to expect at these 5 iconic non-Mexico Spring Break destinations.


"Lake Havascrew" 

Lake Havasu is a glorified floating trailer park of ratchet spring breakers secreting enough raw, anything-goes-for-the-day sexual tension that you could fuel a powerboat off of it. 

The scenery is majestic, but there's a bout of Giardia waiting for anyone who dares enter the water. This may or may not be perpetuated by you and your 8 sunburned pals clogging the houseboat's crapper on day 1.

Put Out The Vibe

"The Above Ground Pool Of Spring Break"

South Padre is a breeding ground where twerkin' champs with tramp stamps aggressively mate with white-rimmed Oakley and cargo short-wearers. It's where wife beater sunburns elope with wet T-shirts, and where every foam party is a frenzy of rubbin' and touchin' beneath the bubbles.

You may also like: Gulf Shores, Destin, Myrtle Beach, Rocky Point, Galveston, Fort Lauderdale.

"Trust Fund Paradise"

Aspen is the place where those with private jets outnumber those without private jets. In college, you have no business going to Aspen unless you're burning through your trust fund on $129 bottles of Veuve Cliquot, spraying it all over yourself, and calling it a "party."

Trust Funders May Also Like: Yellowstone Club, Deer Valley, or any other resort with a Ritz at the base.

Top tip: save your money and go anywhere else, then use said savings here.

Pay To Aprés

"Gettin' Ship Faced"

They say in life, two things are certain: death and taxes. On a spring break cruise ship, there's another certainty: noroviruses. 

It's the least you can expect when part of your planning process involves sneaking booze through used shampoo bottles, but the views are impeccable. You can see an entire ocean through your 6x12in cabin window. 

Hey, You Can Wear a Banana Hammock The Whole Time

"Ladies Night"

For women, it’s ladies night every second of every minute of every hour. There are no lines or obligations, and infinite free booze.

Men, enjoy forking over $200 to the bouncer and standing in line for $20 Redbull vodkas. You’ll inevitably try screaming your love-sonnet to her over the club's music only to limp away from the night (and the trip) with a raspy voice and broken bank account.

 Guys, Actually Save $ By Going To Aspen

Dive Into SB2K17 & Shine On


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