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New Sunglasses... For Life's Most Critical Make or Break Moments

Sunglasses help stoned teens hide in plain sight from watchful adults. They also block out harmful UV rays. But, Clint at Sunglass Hut could've told you that.

It takes a real chameleon to harness the true potential of sunglasses in life's most critical make-or-break moments: 

Eyes are windows into the soul. A soul that, if left uncovered, might reveal you just hit the 78-day mark of a dry spell.

Instead, bottle up that dirty secret and lock eyes with your prospect, librarian-style. A quick wink says you're ready for a ride without exposing your deep-seated sexual frustrations.

T'was Lust At First Sight

"But I thought I looked more like Idris Elba" is not what you tell the girl who just coaxed you back to her place under the guise of a Matrix / Morpheus thing she "needs to show you."

You put on the tinted glasses, let her turn up the soundtrack, and do as you're told.

Welcome To The Desert Of The Real

Drugs on a weekday are unexpected. Drugs and role play before high noon on a weekday is quite literally unheard of.

Sunglasses buy you 15-crucial seconds to ask yourself...

  • Why does she have a Viagra?
  • Who's the red pill for?
  • Does she want me to take both?
  • How does she not see the Idris Elba connection?

**Warning: never mix the red and blue pills. You'll be up (in more ways than one) for 12 hours humping inanimate objects.**  

What's The Worst That Could Happen?

16 seconds is incredible...for a NASCAR pit crew to refuel a car and change all 4 tires. 

No one needs to know you didn't hit your 30 second goal. Sheets with some sunglasses isfrankly the fastest way to move on.

Everything Is Fine

I Just Can't Cuddle Right Now

Three hours is nothing to panic about. The Alamo didn't go down easily either.

Sunglasses, especially those with visors, exude an air of certainty that not every "little" mishap requires pressing the panic button.

Stay Cool As A Cucumber

4 hours is a really long time.

Every great general knows when to surrender...and sometimes that's when you're faced with the possibility of losing your favorite extremity.

 If/when you do surrender, keep a pair of sunglasses handy to rip from your face. Anything you say next will pack twice the punch.

Relief Is Coming



Stay Weird & Shade On


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