The Weather Outside is Frightful, but our Christmas Sweaters are so Delightful
I’m currently wearing a healthy double layer of not one, but two ugly Christmas sweaters because it’s so cold in here right now I can’t feel my fingers typing. There’s a guy at my house trying to repair the gas logs, and until he’s able to transform our fireplace from decorative to functional, I’m relying on the festive warming power of funny Christmas sweaters to prevent me from succumbing to the same frozen fate as Otzi the ice man. But since I always like to find the silver lining of any shit storm cloud, I’m going to say this is the perfect way for me to get in the right mood to write about tacky retro Christmas sweaters, which is very lucky, since that is my current assignment.
Men’s and women’s ugly Christmas sweaters are a great alternative to inadvertently ugly sweaters, and unlike the vintage ones your roommate found at Goodwill, a funny Christmas sweater by Shinesty does not come pre-soaked with a stranger’s armpit sweat, which many of our customers consider a major bonus feature. Besides the comfort of knowing you’re not catching thrift store cooties this holiday season, you can count on these naughty party sweaters to bring the kind of laughs that turn any Xmas party into an XXXmas party. Talking to you, Santapede. And that’s not all. When you make the well-informed decision to show up to your next holiday party in a naughty ugly Christmas sweater, you’re sending a signal to the other cool people there that they’re definitely going to want to try the brownies you brought to the potluck, and you’re up for joining them when they step out back “to get some fresh air.” Now, I don’t know about you, but that’s starting to sound like my kind of holiday party.
Be the Life of the Ugly Christmas Sweater Party in a Funny Ugly Christmas Sweater
To really understand the cultural phenomenon of the ugly Christmas sweater party, we have to first take a look at the predecessor of the ugly Christmas sweater: the authentic retro Christmas sweater. You see, as soon as summers faded into sweater weather every year from the early 70’s to the late 90’s, men and women all over the country were wearing the very best tacky sweaters with what can only be described as the most fashion forward of attitudes. As the popularity of these intricately knit party treasures decreased in direct correlation with the popularity of the Cosby show, they ended up sprinkled in thrift stores across America like a magical dusting of snow on Christmas morning. Each one unique as a snowflake with its own combination of jingle bells, Santas, holly leaves, and reindeer antlers, they waited to be discovered by a younger, hipper generation. But that generation never came, because the younger, hipper generation knew that the retro Christmas sweater is dead, may it rest in peace. The truly retro Christmas sweater and ugly Christmas sweaters that are only ugly by accident have been replaced by their naughty cousin, the funny Christmas sweater. It’s naughty by nature and tacky on purpose, and whether you decide to bring Jesus, Santa, or Scarface as your plus one, you know it’s going to be the best dang xmas party you’ve ever had.
Get Your Stocking Stuffed in All Types of Ugly Christmas Sweaters
Now that you’ve accepted the reality that a brand new, funny, unsoiled, ugly-on-purpose-and-not-by-accident Christmas sweater is in your immediate future, let’s break it down on the forreals and talk about your choices. So first things first. Whether you’re looking for a men’s or women’s tacky party sweater, your options are still exactly the same because all of our ugly Christmas sweaters are unisex. Ladies, just size down to get the fit you’re after. Choose from Jesus blowing Santa’s cover, Scarface blowing a literal mountain of powder, or Nicholas Cage behind bars where he belongs. Not what you had in mind? Relax, there’s at least three more. We’ve got a sweater especially for all you Game of Thrones fans out there, and a filthy, inordinately naughty Santa sweater that’s probably too risqué to wear to the school holiday musical. But what’s even naughtier than that, you ask? Introducing the newest addition to the Shinesty holiday nasty collection: the two person Christmas sweater. With two neck holes and only two arm holes, that leaves two arms and two hands hidden from view, so you do the math. And pick yourself a sweater or two before these babies sell the f out.
Update: The fireplace at my house is now in perfect working order after what basically amounts to a single blast from a can of air into the pilot light tube. The smarmy repairman smiled as he said he found nothing wrong with the gas logs, and then he handed me an invoice for $100. The moral of the story here is that you can get a tacky retro Christmas sweater AND a can of air for way less than the cost of a janky gas log repair job, and you’ll still be just as warm but twice as cool.