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Ugly Christmas Sweaters

Oh the sweet caress of an ugly Christmas sweater. Most liken it to having a thousand festive cherubs massage your torso, keeping you warm and forcing the hand into another egg nog n' brandy long-pour. Want that well-worn finish and essence of grandma's cedar closet? Well, we've got you covered with our collection of ugly Christmas sweaters and inappropriate ugly Christmas sweaters. Ho ho hold on your chestnuts, we're not stopping there. Hop in Santa's slay and stuff your sack with men's and women's tacky ugly Christmas sweaters and just about every other eggnog inducing prints your fickle fingers could handle.

Oh the sweet caress of an ugly Christmas sweater. Most liken it to having a thousand festive cherubs massage your torso, keeping you warm and forcing the hand into another egg nog n' brandy long-pour. Want that well-worn finish and essence of grandma's cedar closet? Well, we've got you covered with our collection of ugly Christmas sweaters and inappropriate ugly Christmas sweaters. Ho ho hold on your chestnuts, we're not stopping there. Hop in Santa's slay and stuff your sack with men's and women's tacky ugly Christmas sweaters and just about every other eggnog inducing prints your fickle fingers could handle.

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Santa Is Fake News | Men's Jesus Christ Xmas Sweater Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

Santa Is Fake News | Men's Jesus Christ Xmas Sweater

$54.99
The Saint Nicolas | Caged Men's Christmas Sweater Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Saint Nicolas | Caged Men's Christmas Sweater

$29.99 $54.99
Santa Is Fake News | Women's Unisex Christmas Sweater

Santa Is Fake News | Women's Unisex Christmas Sweater

$54.99
The Saint Nicolas | Ladies Unisex Christmas Sweater

The Saint Nicolas | Ladies Unisex Christmas Sweater

$29.99 $54.99
The Hot N' Cold Snacks | Gals Unisex Multicolor Horse Print Christmas Sweater

The Hot N' Cold Snacks | Gals Unisex Multicolor Horse Print Christmas Sweater

$69.99
The Season 8 Spoilers | Ladies Unisex GoT Print Christmas Sweater

The Season 8 Spoilers | Ladies Unisex GoT Print Christmas Sweater

$54.99
Red & Green Two Person Christmas Sweater Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Kegel Express | Two Person Christmas Sweater

$79.99
The Kegel Express | Ladies Unisex Two Person Red & Green Christmas Sweater

The Kegel Express | Ladies Unisex Two Person Red & Green Christmas Sweater

$79.99
The Season 8 Spoilers | GOT Christmas Sweater Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Season 8 Spoilers | GOT Christmas Sweater

$54.99
St. Pat's gluttony turtleneck

St. Pat's Gluttony | Ladies Unisex St. Patrick's Day Turtleneck

$19.99
Ladies unisex white turtleneck

The Hickey Hider | Ladies Unisex White Stretch Turtleneck

$39.99
The Hot N Cold Snacks | Montucky Cold Snacks Christmas Sweater Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Hot N Cold Snacks | Montucky Cold Snacks Christmas Sweater

$69.99
Men's blue vintage button down Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Screaming Cowboys | Blue Vintage Button Down

$49.99
men's thanksgiving turtleneck Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Decorative Gourds | Burgundy Thanksgiving Print Turtleneck

$39.99
The Yard Sale Ski Print Turtleneck Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Yard Sale | Retro 80s Ski Turtleneck

$39.99
Santa's shiv candy cane turtleneck for men Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Santa's Shiv | Candy Cane Christmas Turtleneck

$39.99
Gingerbread man Christmas turtleneck Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Fit Of Rage | Christmas Gingerbread Turtleneck

$39.99
guys wood print christmas turtleneck Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Wood You Rather | Bark Printed Turtleneck

$29.99 $39.99
Mistletoe print Christmas turtleneck Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Mistle Head to Toe | Mistletoe Print Christmas Turtleneck

$39.99
Black turtleneck for men Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Full Of Coals | Black Turtleneck

$39.99
The Hickey Hider | White Stretch Turtleneck Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Hickey Hider | White Stretch Turtleneck

$39.99
The Jägermeister | Men's Jägermeister Christmas Sweater Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Jägermeister | Men's Jägermeister Christmas Sweater

$69.99
Women's Ski Turtleneck

The Yard Sale | Ladies Unisex Retro 80s Ski Turtleneck

$39.99
Ladies candy cane Christmas turtleneck

The Santa's Shiv | Ladies Unisex Candy Cane Christmas Turtleneck

$39.99
Christmas print gingerbread man turtleneck

The Fit of Rage | Ladies Unisex Gingerbread Christmas Turtleneck

$39.99
ladies wood print christmas turtleneck

The Wood You Rather | Bark Printed Ladies Unisex Turtleneck

$29.99 $39.99
Mistletoe turtleneck for women

The Mistle Head To Toe | Ladies Unisex Mistletoe Christmas Turtleneck

$39.99
Men's vintage neon turtleneck Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

It's Snowing In Miami | Floral Vintage Turtleneck

$64.99
Men's vintage colorado turtleneck sweatshirt Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Sunshine Spread | Ski Colorado Vintage Turtleneck

$64.99
Ladies floral turtleneck sweater

It's Snowing In Miami | Gals Unisex Floral Vintage Turtleneck

$64.99
Ski Colorado Turtleneck for Women

100 Days This Season | Gals Unisex Ski Colorado Vintage Turtleneck

$64.99
The little green man turtleneck Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

St. Pat's Gluttony | St. Patrick's Day Turtleneck

$19.99 $39.99
The Jägermeister | Womens Unisex Jägermeister Sweater

The Jägermeister | Womens Unisex Jägermeister Sweater

$69.99
The Rake Me Ups | Thanksgiving Turtleneck Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Rake Me Ups | Thanksgiving Turtleneck

$39.99
Spread Eagle Ski Club Deux | Black Turtleneck Ski Shirt Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

Spread Eagle Ski Club Deux | Black Turtleneck Ski Shirt

$39.99
The Daddy Claus | Santa Ugly Christmas Sweater

The Daddy Claus | Santa Ugly Christmas Sweater

$54.99
The Original Buschhhhh | Ugly Christmas Sweater Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Original Buschhhhh | Ugly Christmas Sweater

$64.99
The Classic | Budweiser Ugly Christmas Sweater Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Classic | Budweiser Ugly Christmas Sweater

$64.99
The Classic | Ladies Unisex Budweiser Ugly Christmas Sweater

The Classic | Ladies Unisex Budweiser Ugly Christmas Sweater

$69.99
The Daddy Claus | Ladies Unisex Santa Sweater

The Daddy Claus | Ladies Unisex Santa Sweater

$54.99
The Original Buschhhhh | Ladies Unisex Ugly Christmas Sweater

The Original Buschhhhh | Ladies Unisex Ugly Christmas Sweater

$69.99
the rake me ups turtleneck Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

The Rake Me Ups | Ladies Unisex Thanksgiving Turtleneck

$39.99
spread eagle ski club turtleneck Quickshop Icon CHECK THIS OUT

Spread Eagle Ski Club Deux | Ladies Unisex Black Turtleneck

$39.99

The Weather Outside is Frightful, but our Christmas Sweaters are so Delightful

I’m currently wearing a healthy double layer of not one, but two ugly Christmas sweaters because it’s so cold in here right now I can’t feel my fingers typing. There’s a guy at my house trying to repair the gas logs, and until he’s able to transform our fireplace from decorative to functional, I’m relying on the festive warming power of funny Christmas sweaters to prevent me from succumbing to the same frozen fate as Otzi the ice man. But since I always like to find the silver lining of any shit storm cloud, I’m going to say this is the perfect way for me to get in the right mood to write about tacky retro Christmas sweaters, which is very lucky, since that is my current assignment.

Men’s and women’s ugly Christmas sweaters are a great alternative to inadvertently ugly sweaters, and unlike the vintage ones your roommate found at Goodwill, a funny Christmas sweater by Shinesty does not come pre-soaked with a stranger’s armpit sweat, which many of our customers consider a major bonus feature. Besides the comfort of knowing you’re not catching thrift store cooties this holiday season, you can count on these naughty party sweaters to bring the kind of laughs that turn any Xmas party into an XXXmas party. Talking to you, Santapede. And that’s not all. When you make the well-informed decision to show up to your next holiday party in a naughty ugly Christmas sweater, you’re sending a signal to the other cool people there that they’re definitely going to want to try the brownies you brought to the potluck, and you’re up for joining them when they step out back “to get some fresh air.” Now, I don’t know about you, but that’s starting to sound like my kind of holiday party. 

Be the Life of the Ugly Christmas Sweater Party in a Funny Ugly Christmas Sweater

To really understand the cultural phenomenon of the ugly Christmas sweater party, we have to first take a look at the predecessor of the ugly Christmas sweater: the authentic retro Christmas sweater. You see, as soon as summers faded into sweater weather every year from the early 70’s to the late 90’s, men and women all over the country were wearing the very best tacky sweaters with what can only be described as the most fashion forward of attitudes. As the popularity of these intricately knit party treasures decreased in direct correlation with the popularity of the Cosby show, they ended up sprinkled in thrift stores across America like a magical dusting of snow on Christmas morning. Each one unique as a snowflake with its own combination of jingle bells, Santas, holly leaves, and reindeer antlers, they waited to be discovered by a younger, hipper generation. But that generation never came, because the younger, hipper generation knew that the retro Christmas sweater is dead, may it rest in peace.  The truly retro Christmas sweater and ugly Christmas sweaters that are only ugly by accident have been replaced by their naughty cousin, the funny Christmas sweater. It’s naughty by nature and tacky on purpose, and whether you decide to bring Jesus, Santa, or Scarface as your plus one, you know it’s going to be the best dang xmas party you’ve ever had.

Get Your Stocking Stuffed in All Types of Ugly Christmas Sweaters

Now that you’ve accepted the reality that a brand new, funny, unsoiled, ugly-on-purpose-and-not-by-accident Christmas sweater is in your immediate future, let’s break it down on the forreals and talk about your choices. So first things first. Whether you’re looking for a men’s or women’s tacky party sweater, your options are still exactly the same because all of our ugly Christmas sweaters are unisex. Ladies, just size down to get the fit you’re after. Choose from Jesus blowing Santa’s cover, Scarface blowing a literal mountain of powder, or Nicholas Cage behind bars where he belongs. Not what you had in mind? Relax, there’s at least three more. We’ve got a sweater especially for all you Game of Thrones fans out there, and a filthy, inordinately naughty Santa sweater that’s probably too risqué to wear to the school holiday musical. But what’s even naughtier than that, you ask? Introducing the newest addition to the Shinesty holiday nasty collection: the two person Christmas sweater. With two neck holes and only two arm holes, that leaves two arms and two hands hidden from view, so you do the math. And pick yourself a sweater or two before these babies sell the f out.

Update: The fireplace at my house is now in perfect working order after what basically amounts to a single blast from a can of air into the pilot light tube. The smarmy repairman smiled as he said he found nothing wrong with the gas logs, and then he handed me an invoice for $100. The moral of the story here is that you can get a tacky retro Christmas sweater AND a can of air for way less than the cost of a janky gas log repair job, and you’ll still be just as warm but twice as cool.

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