any size jacket
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The moment you put this suit on you'll become a serial fornicator who's a gluttonous alcoholic trying to float your liver. You'll get yourself a pint-sized helper dwarf named Marcus to help corral kids who are going ape shit about taking a picture with the mall Santa. But you and Marcus are professional con men looking to steal loot from the mall when it closes. Some kid named Thurman will probably approach you with non-stop questions about Santa and the North Pole. You'll give Thurman a ride home only to find out he lives with his senile grandmother, which is an opportunity in your eyes. After a series of unfortunate events, you end up staying with Thurman and his grandma and she has no idea that you even moved in. This ultimately leads to an odd friendship with a kid who is at least 30 years younger than you.
You write a letter to Thurman, end up making sweet love to a woman named Sue, and go about your business. When the time comes to loot the mall on Christmas Eve, you go through as planned. But the cops come, you get in a shootout and bolt out of the mall with a pink teddy bear, headed for Thurman's house. Just before you give Thurman the bear, you get shot by the cops. You live, but they take you to jail, which is why you become a police sensitivity counselor.
Wait, that's the entire synopsis of Bad Santa. Whatever, now get out there and make your own story.