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We can tell COVID-19 to pound sand all day,
but actions speak louder than words. Here’s
what we’re doing to get through this global
cluster fuck, and more importantly, how you can
contribute without even getting off the couch.
Millions of doctors, nurses and other folks are putting their lives on the line to combat this shitshow. Thank them. If you are on the frontline of this evolving pandemic, submit your email below and we’ll send you a code for 40% off our entire site. We don’t have shoes as comfortable as Allbirds, or probably anything you can’t live without for that matter, but what we do have is all yours. For now this is on the honor system...just remember karma can be a real bitch people.
Do this even if Uncle Sam isn’t locking you down or having you to shelter in place yet. Our parents and grandparents had to go to war, all we have to do is stay home and binge Netflix, maybe enjoy a little afternoon delight with ourselves (as of 3/24 Pornhub Premium’s free) or whoever we’re quarantined with. We can do it (no pun intended).
The Real MVP, we wish we were epidemiologists rn
RIP, for every inch we didn't know we were clicking on
RIP, we know "I told you so" doesn't really cut it
For bringing an entire
Last but not least, life's serious enough as it is right now.
If you want some more info on what we're doing to keep
our site safe, as well as recommendations for your safety
during this time, here's our official statement
Healthcare workers only please. If you know someone on the buying
side of a healthcare provider, government, or other organization that takes
care of people and needs critical supplies, please introduce us.
We will plug them in directly to our supply chain and try to make manufacturer introductions.
Shinesty is not producing, selling, or profiting in any way from the production of PPE. We merely want to connect those in need, with those we know who are actively producing these critical supplies.
By now we know you've all been desperately waiting for our response, guidance, and call to action during this odd time. We want to let you all know about the precautionary actions we're taking.
• Our website is safe. Our IT guy literally never leaves his house so you can rest easy knowing our online-only storefront is about as germ-free as possible (seriously, the IT guy said he's maybe interacted with 14 people in the past 8 months). Happy Shopping, everyone.
*But seriously, we’re following guidelines outlined by local and state officials and are doing everything possible to get your orders out safely.*
• Any employee showing any signs of sickness, even a cough because it “went down the wrong pipe,” will be fired immediately. (Be advised - email@example.com is no longer active)
• We have thrown out all holistic, natural hand sanitizers and have moved to bleach. If Poison Control doesn't have a reactive measure for it, we aren't using it.
• Men's & Women's Underwear. Coming into contact with those wearing fresh Ball Hammocks or cheeky underwear is said to actually lower cabin fever stress while enhancing one's sexual drive.
• Toilet Paper. We do have a used-in-photoshoot bidet we'd be willing to sell to the highest bidder.
• PornHub Premium. We've got one password and you'd be a fool to think we'd give that out during these tough times when everyone is ordered to "work" from home.
• Sexy Time. Lots of it. If the New York Blackout from 1965 taught us anything, it's that when people are forced to be home for long periods of time with their partner, the afternoon delight becomes common practice.
• Fake Sanitary Masks. If you see one with a ball gag it's a dead giveaway it's fake.
• The whole "butt munching" thing Millennials are doing. With the great TP shortage of 2020 in full swing, we'd advise against it for at least the next two weeks - or until you buy a bidet.
• Nickelback concerts. No one goes to those anyway.
In all seriousness, we're still firing away on all cylinders here and wanted to let you know we'll still be able to get you your orders in a safe and timely manner. Things will get better and our store is still open 24/7 in case you need some retail therapy. Feel free to chat with us at any time.
-The Team at Shinesty
If you are using a screen reader to access our website and having difficulties, please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org