6 Reasons Ugly Sweaters Are Better Than Our Suits
In 2001, 16+ long years ago, the ugly Christ mas sweater trend grabbed the world by the juevos. After meticulously studying it, we now know why
1) Unbelievably Great Tinder
With years of built up dust, skin cells, and starchy wool, the slightest spark can transform your Christmas sweater into the mightiest yule log known to man.
2) Extremely Absorbent
Their loose weave gives them a sponge-like super power. Throw them on any puddle to prove chivalry isn't dead.
3) No, Like EXTREMELY Absorbant
If you can't go seconds without having a watermelon and bubblegum scented vape cloud following you, your ugly sweater will hold that scent for years.
Pictured is our velvet smokin' jacket, The Velvet Casanova.
4) Pair Well With Crocs®, Cargos & White Oakleys
...also great with: Bluetooth headsets, belts sold at Abercombie, unfrosted Pop Tarts, people with hall monitor "privileges," people who pour milk in the bowl before cereal, Nickleback lovers, Heeley dawners, and grown men over 40 with blonde hair.
5) Mask Grotesque Body Order
You could not shower for weeks and the overpowering scent of mothballs (naphthalene, a toxic fumigant) would keep your odors at bay. It's the apparel equivalent of that Lysol dusting you leave behind after pinching one off.
6) Finally, Whoopi Won't Let Them Die
She's the ugly sweater's equivalent of an Epi-Pen. Mario's 1-Up magic mushroom. A defibrillator moments after some nurse yells "clear." A key bump. Or, possibly a cat's 10th life.
To Those Who've Served...