That derby in Louisville, KY. It's a place where the 4'11", 126 lb man is king, Mint Juleps are currency, and it's the one time of year where the state is known for something other than bourbon.Presenting The...
We went down to the track and hired a few of America's Next Top Craigslist Models to show you how to take every penny you can away from an upcoming horse racing series. If you think we're being vague, it's because said racing series' lawyers politely told us we can't use their "registered trademarks" anymore.
You can't walk into the stables all willy nilly, expecting to pick the next Seabiscuit. It's like describing a color you've never seen before. You need a starting point, and it's worth the $2 to peep the catalog so you don't go bettin' the farm on the horse destined for the glue factory.
*Whelp, we warned y'all weeks ago the Derby blazer would sell out. Try the Hawaiian Derby Suit instead.
It's counter-intuitive, but avoid the one that's hung like a Clydesdale. You wouldn't drag your anchor through the water when racing your speedboat. Winners have high-speed and low drag.
The stable worker is who you want. He'll be the one to tell you what the horse ate that morning, if it's raced before, and how much money the owner puts behind his/her steed.
It's where you spot the jockey with a soup bowl chest, Slim Jim arms, and an overall Hobbit-like stature. You want a light load that can tuck down and stay streamlined like a Learjet in a Gulfstream air current.
If we know our customers, this is the tip you'll most likely gloss right over.
But, Mint Juleps are available from 8 a.m. to 8:10 p.m. Even if you stick to the "one-per-hour rule," you'll still most likely be three sheets to the wind before the "Most Exciting Two Minutes In Sports" even begins.
Like Paw Paw always said, "Scared money don't make money."
Reach in your pocket, pull out the Benjamins, and if you put enough money down, go get yourself another Mint Julep. It'll ease the pain of a loss or help turn a win up to 11.
The only thing you can do now is pray.
What we learned from our stint at the track was none of us know how to gamble, you get real slizzered waiting around, and all the action you read about happens far from the clubhouse, making this email almost useless.
Absorb The Impact & Shine On