If the show portrays me as anything other than the golden child you raised, I can't let you be collateral damage for the mistakes I've made, so we'll skip town. I've seen Taken 1, 2 & 3 so I went ahead and whipped up a solid contingency plan for when the show airs on Thursday, July 20th at 8 PM EST:
1) We'll black out the local cable within a ten-mile radius.
2) I'll connect us with my passport guy who can crank out some fake aliases quicker than that Nigerian prince drained our savings account.
However, there is some good to come. This is rock bottom and it can only go up from here. But, in order for the good to come, you can't watch the show.
I love you, Mom, and I urge you to share this email with everyone you're close to who watches cable (which, conveniently for me is no one under 35). Here's a sneak peek of what's to come: