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Our New Orleans City Guide

We spent a week in the Big Easy to bring you...

Beautifully nestled 81.1 miles from Baton Rouge is the sinner's paradise of New Orleans, better known as N'awlins. It's a melting pot of exquisite cuisine, friendly folks, music for the soul, and a lack of open container laws that play host to one of the world's most unique and untamed parties on your side of the mighty Mississipi: Mardi Gras.

We've designed a travel guide for foodies, sightseers, and drunkards flocking to New Orleans.

                                                                                                                      

I. For The Foodies
"The Most Famous Restaurant in New Orleans"

 

If you're a high-rolling Mac Daddy with a substantial credit line or second mortgage, this is your paradise.

Snuggled within the Garden District and away from the warm, piss-laden gutters of Bourbon Street lies Commander's Palace, an exquisite haute Creole restaurant gifted to New Orleans in 1893.  

If blowing your entire travel wad in one meal isn't your thing, then try...

"The Staple Food of New Orleans"

Don't be deterred by the sign that looks like a 4th-grader's finger painting. Domilise's is THE place for traditional N'awlins po'boys, has character for days, and is the only finger seafood that can hold a candle to Long John Silver's. Originated in 1924, Domilise's features the flakiest French bread you'll ever poke your thumb through.

Now, I know a lot of y'all are gonna hate us for saying this, but we didn't know what this illustrious local delicacy actually was. It's a sandwich. On white bread. Where 10,000 popcorn skrimps will invariably erupt out the sides when you take your first bite...magically transforming your hoagie into finger food.

You've Been Warned
Hey, The Beer's Cheap

 

"The Cafe Of The World"

Cafe Du Monde was established in 1862 and is open 24 hours a day because that's how long you will wait in line to get your paws on their classic beignets.

*Pro-Tip: Save time and get powdered donuts from Dunkin Donuts. It's extremely hard to screw up dough and powdered sugar, and you won't go gray waiting in line.

Beignets Are Just Dough And Powdered Sugar
Also, Chicory Is Wildly Overrated

                                                                                                                      

II. For The Sightseers
"The Oldest Cathedral In The United States"

If you can manage to get around the dude swallowing 18 inches of hard steel (a sword), the other much less spectacular street performers, and aggressive groundskeepers who get off on booting photographers from the Jackson Square lawn, you may have a split second to snap a beautiful pic.

"A Fisherman's Paradise"

The Mississippi River is home to over 200 species of fish and we managed to catch absolutely none of them. But, time stands still in front of this festering cesspool these breathtaking, crystal-clear waters. We also managed to get a (free) buzz from a half-empty Olde English we found floating down America's main-vein.

Editor's Correction: We had our suspicions that this wasn't the mighty river we were looking for, but when a native said, "You ain't gone catch shit in that drainage ditch" those concerns were affirmed. 

Pro Tip: Pass On The Discount "Mississippi Fishing Tours"
                                                                                                                        

III. For The Drunks

"The Infamous French Quarter"

It's the beautiful disaster where you can drink with a Voodoo queen, smoke with a jester, and get flashed on the same street. It literally takes soap and water (see exhibit A) to get rid of the stale alcohol and urine strewn about.

*Pro Tip: Start at The Tropical Isle and get a hand grenade that will effectively throat-punch your palate. Anything that comes after will taste like water.

"The Enchanted Garden District"

If Bourbon Street is the out-of-control frat brother, then Magazine Street is the highly educated professor who likes to get loose and ventabout said frat brother over $14 Sazeracs.

*Pro-Tip: Go to Coquette for a cocktail and stay for the "Put Yourself In Our Hands" blind tasting menu with wine pairing.

Same Looseness, 2x The Quality, 4x The Cost

 

Wait For It & Shine On

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