The underlying problem is simple: women don't want to touch balls.
Or at least we're told not to.
From a girl's perspective, balls are the forbidden fruits of the male anatomy, and society has taught us to believe that if you touch them, a man will crumble faster than the fall of the Roman Empire in 476 CE - and I quite frankly don't want to deal with that.
The Even Bigger Problem: What Women Actually Think
As it turns out, when it comes to the bedroom, anything goes. And when a woman finally musters up the courage to grab hold of your baby-makers, this is what she's really thinking:
To put it into perspective, you know the feeling when you drop a piece of gum on the floor and pick it up? It's still a little moist, there are crumbs and hair stuck to it, and you just can’t wait to get it out your hand, sight, and general arm's distance away? This feeling is almost identical to how a woman feels while holding a pair of sweaty balls in her hand.
You mess with a bull, you get the horns.
What It Comes Down To
Men, we know you've tried it all, from Saxx Underwear, to searching Google for the best men's underwear, pouch briefs, or a cure for your sweaty balls, but let's face it: balls will be balls. They'll sweat, they'll dangle, and there is no cure.
Like I said before, us women have learned to admire from afar, told our whole lives to stand clear of a man's yo-yos and thus have learned to love the bulge.
**insert borderline sexually sticky joke here**
The Ah-Ha Moment
There is only one instance where a girl finds a man's balls attractive, and that's when they're nested away in a pair of Shinesty Hog Hammocks
. Let's face it, the only time a woman really cares about balls is when she’s making goo-goo eyes at your package, sneaking a quick peek in at the public pool, or when your roommate's grabbing a quick midnight snack in his boxers. You can bet she is getting a look in. Bulge matters.
So what's it going to be, boys? You're going to need to work on your presentation if you want your balls to get some love. And I hate to break it to you, but that's not gonna happen all nat-ur-al.
So here's what you're gonna do. Guys, what you're looking at is the ball-pouch boxer brief
, or as one of our customer's entered as a search term, "underwear that will support a man's scrotum." That boxer pouch is what many consider to be a push-up bra for your balls. Think of it as upgrading to extended legroom or sitting in the emergency exit row of an aircraft. Are our ball pouch boxer briefs
the best men's underwear out there? You tell us. This sweaty ball cure is 95% MicroModal and 5% Spandex, so you'll feel like your balls are being cradled by a cloud.
Think we're lying?
Take it up with Men's Health, who called them "The Most Comfortable Underwear You'll Ever Wear." You know what to do from here.