Last week, we said we'd write your Valentine's Day love letters for singles, those in relationships, and as we found out, those of you who have many lovers.
Things started off great, then we released the email and due to the influx of requests and only a few writers, we had to cut the promotion. Here is a brief summary of the beautifully dirty letters you wanted us to write.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent
We were asked to write a love novel about Richard's giant dong:
"Conda, I mean Canda, I mean Rich…ok I definitely mean Canda. I’m just going to call you Long Dong Silver. This is a Double-D type of year for you. A big D-vorce to go along with that big D you keep tightly sequestered in your pantaloons. How do you do that by the way? Is it coiled up in there? Does it fall down your inseam? Is it like a turtle where you have a gaping cavern in your midsection that it can retreat into? ...asking for a friend. Some might think of a divorce as a failure. Nay, it’s an opportunity to explore something, or in this case someone, new. Sometimes that person’s someone you’ve known a while (hint). Your friend with bennies, Kittie Kat (p.s. Rich, This is Shinesty talking now, we like to think we have a big metaphorical dong as well even though we’re an a-sexual legal entity dealing in clothing. Cait said you like gag gifts from Shinesty. But, sounds like the real gag gift is in your pants. Nice...)"
Congrats on the "Big D" and get ready for a night of loving.
Others Wanted Us To Write About Their Swinging Lover
(our favorite request)
"To My Smokin’ Hot Wife, My Love. Though art thicker than a bowl of oatmeal who can swing with the best of them. Our love is certain, like that of a setting son in the west, and my wood for you that rises every day break. You see, my love, this love note foreshadows a night of riding the skin bus to tuna town. I long to give you a sultry night of sweaty love making with the heat turned up to 30 degrees Celsius, where my lap hog will have your sweet cherry pie. We’ve loved for a horny 22 years and the time has drawn near. A time of raucous love making, so pleasurable and so long, you’ll be brought to a tear. I’ll let my actions speak for these intimate words, and after we finish making love for the second time, we’ll go for a third… Love, The Dirty Dog."
Enjoy another 22yrs of hot, horny loving, you two.
Some Were To The Point:
"To my freaky nasty wife, Our love is incredibly hard to put into words, which is why I hired a company to do so. But I digress. A night of passionate, intense love awaits. I will turn the heat to a sultry 82 and we will begin to sweat. For it is not the temperature of the room that makes us physically sweat, but the burning passion we share from within. One thing will lead to another, and I will venture to your chocolate spoke, where you will inevitably feel, a very large poke. Enough of these words. Let’s hop on the good foot and do that bad thing, we will do it once and twice, before going for a third. Love, Your Balloon Knot Lover."
Nothing says "I Love You" like butt stuff.
We Wrote Love Notes To Sugar Mommas:
"Julia, When we first met, I was an innocent pool boy, You, a smokin hot woman in a string bikini I was determined to untie. My attraction for you only grew stronger upon seeing you the next day, with even larger breasts in the same tiny top. It's safe to say my private parts grew in that moment as well. But I digress. Our love is hard to put into words, and writing such a thing makes me want to pounce on you like a horny Tarzan would Jane, or like a piranha attacking a soft shell taco. I love you my sweet, seductive sugar mama, Tarzan."
May your night be a handful, Jim.
Lastly, we wanted to say "Thank You" for putting your love in our hands. We blocked out a few hours to write these, but because of demand, wrote for over three days, finished just under 4 cases of PBR, and realized you all are a profane and dirty bunch. We love you for that.
We'll Be Back For Next Year.