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7 Questions To Not Eff Up Their Gift

The only thing more stressful than scrounging up enough money for a gift is finding the right gift for the person who has everything. More times than not, your gift is a strike out — re-gifted or thrown away. 

Here's the foolproof guide for picking the right gift for anyone...


Do they cruise Craigslist's Casual Encounters?

If No: Skip.

If Yes: This will get 'em ready for the next one.

Average, big or small, it'll clean 'em all. Except if yours looks like the one on the right... then it won't fit at all.

More Than 3 Strokes = You're Playing With Yourself


Do they stare at the sun?

If No: Skip.

If Yes: That's a really bad idea...but read on.

Sun blockers will help them in the short term, but you should still hold an intervention about the dangers of foolhardy staring contests.

Protect Corneas


Are they nudists?

If Yes: Skip...but first, how do I join?

If No: These cover 99% of the body.

With National Hangover Day looming, it's also the only piece of clothing that will hold your hair back when you puke, get you Advil, and order Domino's.

Throw Your Underwear Away


Do they have balls?

If No: Skip.

If Yes: Get ready to mount a cloud.

Once in a while, a piece of clothing comes around that is so soft and revolutionary, people will ask, "Is this how our creator wanted it?"

Yep, It's How He'd Want It


Can they tell you what a "numby" is?

If No: Skip.

If Yes: This is the legal equivalent.

It's a tube of caffeinated toothpaste (about 300 cups of coffee worth) that can raise the dead. Our model/product tester said it was the fastest-acting laxative money could buy.

This Isn't IIlegal... Yet


Are they an alcoholic?

If Yes: Skip. Never show them this.

If No: This gets the job done fast.

Tell your grandma you drink copious amounts of booze by sucking down a dragon beer bong in two swigs.

Make Gam Gam Bong Again


Are they human?

If Yes: Good. They need socks.

If No: We give up.

Foot condoms are the Swiss Army knife of clothing. Once you're out of high school, you'll find even more than two uses for them. 

See All The Foot Condoms





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