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Seven Genius Ways to Blow Your 2014 Tax Return

You could spend your return on shoes or upgrading to Charmin Ultra Strong (that budget, super sheer tissue isn't such a great deal after all, is it?)

Or, you can prove that cash ain't no thang by blowing your wad on a few choice items. Game recognize game.

1. Start Cookin Wit' Coolio - $12.95 ($17.00)

Do you want to know how gangsters eat in paradise? Look no further than Coolio's personal cookbook. With Chapters including "Appetizers 4 Dat Ass" and "Pasta Like a Rasta," there's no doubt you'll cook up some of the freshest cuisine on the block. 
Buy paperback here. 

2. Send a Bag of Dicks to the IRS - $15.00


Well, for those who won't be receiving a refund this year, and may have even owed, Dicks By Mail offers you the chance to overnight a good ole "Bag of Dicks" straight to the IRS. 

3. Spray Cash, Everywhere - $59.99+ Said Cash

Just load, point, and shoot, and you're on your way to making it torrentially downpour Washington's in the club.
The Strip Club Cash Cannon lets the baller inside you decide on how many 1s you spray on stage. Enjoy. 

4. Start your Rare Vinyl Collection With This - $125.99


Listed under the music category of "Strange," little is known about the elusive  Music to Massage Your Mate To LP. Still, you don't need to be a MacGyver to know this sucker is pure, late-70s sexual healing.
6. Gorge on 1lb of Real Lion Meat - $499.99 (reg. $599.99)


 Yes, you can buy, eat, and enjoy the added virility of eating the king of the jungle. (who's the king now?) Exotic Animal Meat Market is your one-stop shop.
Bonus Fact: Unlike other exotic meat outlets EAMM only sell American-raised Lion and have pledged not to sell the infamous Lion+Tiger=Liger.

6. Upgrade Your #2s 

Game of Thrones ain't got shit on this. Or these. For best results, couple your new porcelain with- I shit you not- Shit Gold Pills.
These 24 Karat Gold leaf filled capsules will ensure you give a whole new meaning to the term, "Golden Nugget." Yours for just $469.99

7. Breach Dolphin Style - $65,000


Whoa, just how much did you overpay? Maybe you should consider of a custom-built SeaBreacher X.
They say money can't buy happiness, but then again they don't have your tax return. Have you ever seen someone not smiling on a jet ski? Yeah, it's that...x10.


Seymore Butts
Seymore Butts


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