Sure you could wear an American Flag tank top and USA aviators, flaunting your impeccable good looks and physical prowess, but it's Fourth of July homie, everybody's going to do that. Lucky for you old Uncle Seymour has got you covered with some practical tips and tricks for really making a statement at all your Fourth of July get togethers.
1. Get a patriotic tattoo, preferably on your face.
Nothing says I'm an Alpha American like getting an American Flag tattoo. And luckily you still have time for the swelling to go down before your first Thursday night Fourth of July eve party.
2. Acquire a pet eagle, and let him sit on your shoulder like a parrot.
Talk about one upping your douschey boss and his fat English bulldog with the cute American flag collar. If you don't already own a bald eagle, you may have trouble acquiring one by Friday; but we hear there are a few good exotic animal dealers in almost every major metropolis, so it's worth a shot.
3. Give your boat a proper paint job.
Almost didn't include this one on the list as it is pretty much a no brainer. In addition to making the valet at your local yacht club weak in the knees, an American Flag paint job is going to get you out of trouble throughout the rest of the year as well. "Ma'am this is a no wake zone, and you can't do beer bongs while water skiing...(sees boat's paint job)... I must have pulled over the wrong boat, enjoy your day."
4. Bring Andre Agassi as your date.
No, not boring, bald ass 2002 Andre Agassi, we're talking mullet-and-jorts-wearing, "style is everything," suspected drug user, 1989, Andre Agassi. Don't think you can convince him to regrow his mullet before your party? You have a bald eagle on your shoulder remember.
5. Show up wearing only a flag for clothing.
Worried about pit stains ruining your chances with that hot foreign exchange student from Brazil who happens to room with your cousin Cheryl and was thus invited to the family lake weekend? You're welcome. A bit risqué...perhaps... but if anyone insinuates that you are "slutty," kindly remind your Communist acquaintance that it's the Fourth of July, and insulting the American Flag is punishable by death.
Or, if you are more of the conservative party animal type, you can always just shop on Shinesty for some American flag clothing... your call.