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Three ways to attract a proper mate while watching team USA dominate the World Cup

 

1. Wear appropriate clothing. 

Nothing is more pathetic than someone who shows up to an event in boring ass every day clothing. If you show up to watch a USA World Cup game in jeans and a button down you might as well wear a priest collar and declare your celibacy now.

The World Cup only happens once every four years, so even though you may be planning on stretching out your undergraduate experience to a lean 8 years don't count on that pretty face being wrinkle free the next time you get a chance to chant USA at the top of your lungs in public without being breathalyzed by the nearest public safety officer. Dress to impress in the colors of freedom and people will pay attention.

 

 

2. Start random USA chants as often as possible. 

 

Let's get one thing straight here, in our opinion, chanting "USA, USA, USA" is perfectly acceptable in any situation. In fact, we encourage our employees to start USA chants at least one time a day to stay in shape. We've done it at the DMV, during Jewish weddings (l'chaim), and on the metro bus at 7:30 am. Unfortunately, some people in our society (read: boring people) don't always consider "chanting" a socially acceptable practice.

Lucky for you it's the World Cup, and during the World Cup USA chants are not only acceptable, they are omni-appropriate and sexy as hell. You finish your beer, USA; you catch a potential mate's eye from across the bar, USA; your 19-year-old sister and her 45-year-old baby daddy are moving into your apartment while they "get back on their feet," you guessed it, USA. Are you picking up what I'm laying down here? The more people view you as the "USA chant guy/gal," the better your chances are of actually scoring a "goal," and I am certainly not referring to scoring a goal on FIFA 2014.

 

3. Keep your composure. 

 

Don't get all pissy if our team starts losing. We are the comeback kings and no one likes a Debbie downer, especially potential mates. Remember even though the US men's soccer team has never won a World Cup, you live in America. The greatest country in the world.

We invented the microwave oven, the home run, and bourbon. There's no other place in the world with such an amazingly talented, hard working, and passionate population. If someone disagrees with you, kindly remind them that Canada is only a plane ride away. Shine on.


Seymore Butts
Seymore Butts

Author



2 Comments

Emma
Emma

June 22, 2014

hahahahahaha ohmygoodness I love it!!! XD

Kyle
Kyle

June 20, 2014

USA.

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