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A Degenerates Guide To Getting Ejected From An MLB Game

Baseball is here. 

But are you ready for the regular season as a rowdy sports fan? Are you ready for the games and grueling challenge of slugging back as many overpriced beers as possible? Anyone who answers, “Yes” might want to read this guide. Take notes, and if you want to stay all nine innings don’t do anything I recommend, because theses tips right here are a sure way for any degenerate to get ejected from an MLB game. How do I know? Well I’ve seen them all work…

1) Pregame

It takes a combination of factors to get drunk at an MLB game without the help of pregaming. You’ll need an absurd amount of cash to afford any decent amount of $8 beers and $12 cocktails, a good relationship with the beer guy, an all inclusive ticket, or be willing to miss at least one full inning waiting in line. Personally I have none of these, so a solid pregame is the only option. Show up early and head to any close stadium bars, and if you’re not driving have a road soda or two. Just be sure to throw back as many as you can because it’ll still be cheaper than anything in the stadium. This is also your first shot to getting ejected from the game. If you go hard enough this early you may be ejected before even getting in. I got to witness this beautiful disaster first hand because it happened to a friend of mine. He thought that trying to sweet talk the girl checking tickets was not only a great idea, as he slurred his speech and nearly fell over, but that he actually had a shot. He never made it past the gate or got her number but he was the real MVP that day.

2) Stand Out

Hammered guy at a baseball game, no big deal. Hammered guy at a baseball game in nothing but a speedo… game changer. You may make it on the Jumbotron once, but keep up the four-beer per inning pace and you may make an escorted appearance to the parking lot.

3) Sit Near the Opposing Team
If it’s a home game try to snag a seat near the away bench or opposing team’s bullpen. Odds are you’ll have some die hard fan in your group that’s been waiting for the chance to heckle the shit out of any unlucky bastard with an opposing uniform within earshot. Just make sure that they’re a raging asshole with no situational awareness, or drunk enough to act like a raging asshole with no situational awareness. Either way this guy will get the boot for eventually stringing out a rant of almost Shakespearean profanity that I’m not sure if I can be even legally allowed to type. How do I know? My buddy… let’s call him, “Sea-bass” is how I know.

4) Start a Fight
If you can’t heckle the opposing players, sometimes you’ll just have to heckle the fans.

5) Fall Asleep

The pregame and beers may have taken a toll on you, not to mention you were on a bender the night before. All of these factors have lead to one thing… losing steam. You’ve reached a point in the low scoring game where you just fade out and drift peacefully into a slumber in the middle of the third inning only to be woken up in the bottom of the sixth by an officer asking you to leave. How do I know this tame approach will work? Well, it happened to me.

Shinesty Pitboss
Shinesty Pitboss


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