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The Shiner

Our New Orleans City Guide

We spent a week in the Big Easy to bring you...

Beautifully nestled 81.1 miles from Baton Rouge is the sinner's paradise of New Orleans, better known as N'awlins. It's a melting pot of exquisite cuisine, friendly folks, music for the soul, and a lack of open container laws that play host to one of the world's most unique and untamed parties on your side of the mighty Mississipi: Mardi Gras.

We've designed a travel guide for foodies, sightseers, and drunkards flocking to New Orleans.

                                                                                                                      

I. For The Foodies
"The Most Famous Restaurant in New Orleans"

 

If you're a high-rolling Mac Daddy with a substantial credit line or second mortgage, this is your paradise.

Snuggled within the Garden District and away from the warm, piss-laden gutters of Bourbon Street lies Commander's Palace, an exquisite haute Creole restaurant gifted to New Orleans in 1893.  

If blowing your entire travel wad in one meal isn't your thing, then try...

"The Staple Food of New Orleans"

Don't be deterred by the sign that looks like a 4th-grader's finger painting. Domilise's is THE place for traditional N'awlins po'boys, has character for days, and is the only finger seafood that can hold a candle to Long John Silver's. Originated in 1924, Domilise's features the flakiest French bread you'll ever poke your thumb through.

Now, I know a lot of y'all are gonna hate us for saying this, but we didn't know what this illustrious local delicacy actually was. It's a sandwich. On white bread. Where 10,000 popcorn skrimps will invariably erupt out the sides when you take your first bite...magically transforming your hoagie into finger food.

You've Been Warned
Hey, The Beer's Cheap

 

"The Cafe Of The World"

Cafe Du Monde was established in 1862 and is open 24 hours a day because that's how long you will wait in line to get your paws on their classic beignets.

*Pro-Tip: Save time and get powdered donuts from Dunkin Donuts. It's extremely hard to screw up dough and powdered sugar, and you won't go gray waiting in line.

Beignets Are Just Dough And Powdered Sugar
Also, Chicory Is Wildly Overrated

                                                                                                                      

II. For The Sightseers
"The Oldest Cathedral In The United States"

If you can manage to get around the dude swallowing 18 inches of hard steel (a sword), the other much less spectacular street performers, and aggressive groundskeepers who get off on booting photographers from the Jackson Square lawn, you may have a split second to snap a beautiful pic.

"A Fisherman's Paradise"

The Mississippi River is home to over 200 species of fish and we managed to catch absolutely none of them. But, time stands still in front of this festering cesspool these breathtaking, crystal-clear waters. We also managed to get a (free) buzz from a half-empty Olde English we found floating down America's main-vein.

Editor's Correction: We had our suspicions that this wasn't the mighty river we were looking for, but when a native said, "You ain't gone catch shit in that drainage ditch" those concerns were affirmed. 

Pro Tip: Pass On The Discount "Mississippi Fishing Tours"
                                                                                                                        

III. For The Drunks

"The Infamous French Quarter"

It's the beautiful disaster where you can drink with a Voodoo queen, smoke with a jester, and get flashed on the same street. It literally takes soap and water (see exhibit A) to get rid of the stale alcohol and urine strewn about.

*Pro Tip: Start at The Tropical Isle and get a hand grenade that will effectively throat-punch your palate. Anything that comes after will taste like water.

"The Enchanted Garden District"

If Bourbon Street is the out-of-control frat brother, then Magazine Street is the highly educated professor who likes to get loose and ventabout said frat brother over $14 Sazeracs.

*Pro-Tip: Go to Coquette for a cocktail and stay for the "Put Yourself In Our Hands" blind tasting menu with wine pairing.

Same Looseness, 2x The Quality, 4x The Cost

 

Wait For It & Shine On

Our Valentine's Day Love Letter Promotion Went Rogue

Last week, we said we'd write your Valentine's Day love letters for singles, those in relationships, and as we found out, those of you who have many lovers.

Things started off great, then we released the email and due to the influx of requests and only a few writers, we had to cut the promotion. Here is a brief summary of the beautifully dirty letters you wanted us to write. 

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent

 

We were asked to write a love novel about Richard's giant dong:

 

"Conda, I mean Canda, I mean Rich…ok I definitely mean Canda. I’m just going to call you Long Dong Silver. This is a Double-D type of year for you. A big D-vorce to go along with that big D you keep tightly sequestered in your pantaloons. How do you do that by the way? Is it coiled up in there? Does it fall down your inseam? Is it like a turtle where you have a gaping cavern in your midsection that it can retreat into? ...asking for a friend. Some might think of a divorce as a failure. Nay, it’s an opportunity to explore something, or in this case someone, new. Sometimes that person’s someone you’ve known a while (hint). Your friend with bennies, Kittie Kat (p.s. Rich, This is Shinesty talking now, we like to think we have a big metaphorical dong as well even though we’re an a-sexual legal entity dealing in clothing. Cait said you like gag gifts from Shinesty. But, sounds like the real gag gift is in your pants. Nice...)"

 Congrats on the "Big D" and get ready for a night of loving.

 

 

 

Others Wanted Us To Write About Their Swinging Lover

(our favorite request)

 

"To My Smokin’ Hot Wife, My Love. Though art thicker than a bowl of oatmeal who can swing with the best of them. Our love is certain, like that of a setting son in the west, and my wood for you that rises every day break. You see, my love, this love note foreshadows a night of riding the skin bus to tuna town. I long to give you a sultry night of sweaty love making with the heat turned up to 30 degrees Celsius, where my lap hog will have your sweet cherry pie. We’ve loved for a horny 22 years and the time has drawn near. A time of raucous love making, so pleasurable and so long, you’ll be brought to a tear. I’ll let my actions speak for these intimate words, and after we finish making love for the second time, we’ll go for a third… Love, The Dirty Dog."

Enjoy another 22yrs of hot, horny loving, you two.

 

 

Some Were To The Point:

 

"To my freaky nasty wife, Our love is incredibly hard to put into words, which is why I hired a company to do so. But I digress. A night of passionate, intense love awaits. I will turn the heat to a sultry 82 and we will begin to sweat. For it is not the temperature of the room that makes us physically sweat, but the burning passion we share from within. One thing will lead to another, and I will venture to your chocolate spoke, where you will inevitably feel, a very large poke. Enough of these words. Let’s hop on the good foot and do that bad thing, we will do it once and twice, before going for a third. Love, Your Balloon Knot Lover."

Nothing says "I Love You" like butt stuff.

 

We Wrote Love Notes To Sugar Mommas:

 

"Julia, When we first met, I was an innocent pool boy, You, a smokin hot woman in a string bikini I was determined to untie. My attraction for you only grew stronger upon seeing you the next day, with even larger breasts in the same tiny top. It's safe to say my private parts grew in that moment as well. But I digress. Our love is hard to put into words, and writing such a thing makes me want to pounce on you like a horny Tarzan would Jane, or like a piranha attacking a soft shell taco. I love you my sweet, seductive sugar mama, Tarzan."

May your night be a handful, Jim. 

 

Lastly, we wanted to say "Thank You" for putting your love in our hands. We blocked out a few hours to write these, but because of demand, wrote for over three days, finished just under 4 cases of PBR, and realized you all are a profane and dirty bunch. We love you for that.

 

 

We'll Be Back For Next Year.

 

Hand Crafted V-Day Letters. Put Your Love In Our Hands

We did the math. There are over 180 million Valentine's Day cards exchanged over the holiday. To us, that means one thing: a market ripe for the taking.
Whether you're single, in a committed relationship, or a polygamist, one of these Shinesty employees will craft a letter capable of whisking your partner away into a sultry den of love.
Put Your Love In Our Hands
                                                                                                                             


Catered Love Letters

And Their Respective Authors

How it works:

1. select raunchiness level

2.leave us the details (to, from, etc.) in your order notes

3. pay the man $20, or $30 for NC-17

4. cross "Get a Valentine's Day card" off your list

This note foreshadows an evening filled with overpriced roses, coarse dry humping,  and an ending as sad and unsatisfying as Marley and Me.

*Expect mild rude humor and brief sensuality.

Subtle Is Sexy

 

This style is best described as Kate Winslet's quick nipple in Titanic. Nothing more, nothing less.

*Expect sensuality with brief sexuality and an abundance of suggestive material.

Make It Steamy

 

With a tongue like that, his narratives involve third base, erotic fantasies, and pure, passionate love making.

*Expect the F-word used as a verb, a suggestive sex scene/act, and erotic content.

That Tongue's Not Just For Talking

 

PARENTAL WARNING BELOW

*Disclaimer: you will need to be age verified before purchasing.

  

Cody is our in-house nymphomaniac and will lay some metaphorical pipe on any NC-17 love letter ordered or your money back.

*I don't know what you should expect. Seriously, it could be too much. Peep the needle-point for his credibility. 

Give Me The NC-17
                                                                                                                                     

After the imminent success of this poetic campaign, we will most likely cease selling tangible goods.  Here's potentially your last chance to buy Valentine's Day suits so ugly, your lover will have no choice but to rip them off.

Shop The Love-Making Collection

 

Look Out For the Mail & Shine On

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