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The Shiner

Ugly Sweaters Are a Trend For a Reason

6 Reasons Ugly Sweaters Are Better Than Our Suits

In 2001, 16+ long years ago, the ugly Christ mas sweater trend grabbed the world by the juevos. After meticulously studying it, we now know why

1) Unbelievably Great Tinder

With years of built up dust, skin cells, and starchy wool, the slightest spark can transform your Christmas sweater into the mightiest yule log known to man.

 

2) Extremely Absorbent

Their loose weave gives them a sponge-like super power. Throw them on any puddle to prove chivalry isn't dead.

 

3) No, Like EXTREMELY Absorbant

If you can't go seconds without having a watermelon and bubblegum scented vape cloud following you, your ugly sweater will hold that scent for years.

Pictured is our velvet smokin' jacketThe Velvet Casanova.

 

4) Pair Well With Crocs®, Cargos & White Oakleys

...also great with: Bluetooth headsets, belts sold at Abercombie, unfrosted Pop Tarts, people with hall monitor "privileges," people who pour milk in the bowl before cereal, Nickleback lovers, Heeley dawners, and grown men over 40 with blonde hair.

 

5) Mask Grotesque Body Order

You could not shower for weeks and the overpowering scent of mothballs (naphthalene, a toxic fumigant) would keep your odors at bay. It's the apparel equivalent of that Lysol dusting you leave behind after pinching one off.

 

6) Finally, Whoopi Won't Let Them Die

She's the ugly sweater's equivalent of an Epi-Pen. Mario's 1-Up magic mushroom. A defibrillator moments after some nurse yells "clear." A key bump. Or, possibly a cat's 10th life.

This Link Will Take You To Buy Whoopi's $139 Sweaters

 

We Doubled Down On Suits & Dresses 

Apparently We Should Have Bought More Dresses 

 

To Those Who've Served...

Chat Into Customer Service For a 25% Military Discount 

 

 

Gawk At New Socks From Your Inbox

We took a page from Hemmingway's book, drank a few too many mojitos, and whipped up what many are calling a poem greater than Homer, Dante, and Chaucer's epics combined.
Here's Our New Stock Of Socks:
Holy Moly That's A Lot Of Socks 
And That's Only Half 
Not a Fan of Grandiose Poetry?
@SHINESTY
I Just Want Socks 
 
The Bread & Butter Categories
   

Pumpkin Spice Latte Collection

It's That Time of Year Again. 
If Starbucks can bring back Pumpkin Spice Lattes year-after-year, we can use the same photo we used in 2014...and 2015...and now 2016.
We Don't Even Sell These Anymore 
This one goes out to all the fellas out there with Fall-loving ladies in their lives. Here's why fall sucks...

“Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall." 

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Fitzgerald lied. Nothing about fall symbolizes new life. Fall is essentially the foreshadowing of natural beauty's imminent demise. Forests transform from lush natural wonders filled with flora and fauna to terrifying, icy boneyards.

We Don't Sell This Fleece Anymore Either 

 

Pumpkin is the most overrated flavor on planet Earth. It’s just a dirty, bland vegetable meant to be carved into a Halloween decoration. It’s certainly not meant to be made into coffee, bread, or yogurt, and it definitely has no place in my beer.

Sure it may be a cultural phenomenon, but with 50 grams of sugar in your Venti PSL - you are literally begging for type two diabetes.

When fall arrives, these normally docile creatures get all jacked up on fermented crab apples and start looking for fights. 

Don’t believe us - see 'em here

What's that? You think Saturdays are for the boys? Not during fall. Your Saturdays will now consist of pointless plaid-filled leaf-peeping excursions, visiting "farms" to pick bruised apples off the ground, and over priced hay rides from dudes in flannel shirts named Burris. Have fun not watching football.

There's no reason for this picture. We thought the ketchup and mustard perfectly brought out the color of the changing leaves. But, if you thought it was offensive, count that as another mark against the fall.

Def Not Legs

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