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The Shiner

6 ways to blow your tax refund.

Treat Yo'self On Tax Day: 

First off, if you are just hearing today is tax day...stop reading this and file for an extension here immediately.
For everyone else, if you are not spending your tax refund on something below you might as well invest in a cemetery plot or a Kickstarter product: two things you'll never enjoy while alive. 

1) Get Some Rolled Gold (Not Pretzels) - 24K Rolling Papers

$55 for 12 

While other countries use gold as currency, there are Colorado trustafarians using their FAFSA money to get high like Da Da Phuge with these gold jay papers.

Literally Burn Your Money


2) Send A Box Of Exotic Doo Doo

$15.95-$49.95 *depending on animal*

There are plenty of people who deserve a box of actual gorilla shit. First and foremost is the IRS, and you can send a real steamer right to their front door:

 Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service Center
Austin, TX 73301-0215
*Do not send to our HQ. We have enough dogs around here to start our own service.*

You Have Got To Be Shitting Me


3) Be About That Thug Knife


This is the Gordon Ramsey of cookbooks...

"How the f*ck is Nature’s Valley still putting crumbs in bags and selling them as breakfast bars? Sh!t is disrespectful and a dry sponge would taste better than those crumb catastrophes." - Thug Kitchen

Spend Hard Time...In The Kitchen


4) Walk Alone Metal Detector Sandals


You will never get laid again, but nothing fills the void of love like collecting old wedding rings, keys to a 1999 Geo Tracker, and the occasional gold tooth.

Booty Or Bullion?


5) Blast Cash From This Cannon

$59.99 + $100 in Singles

 Load, point, shoot, and watch from a distance to see how quickly those hard-earned Washingtons can pay someone's rent.

Shoot From The Hip


6) Ride The Sumo Tube


Nothing quite like hot, nasty speed to bring in Summer. Ideally, you drive the boat while your friends get dragged behind and swallow half of Lake Powell. 

Has Anyone Seen My Shoulders?


Or Blow It On Us...

...so we don't end up in a van down by the river attending Monday night soup kitchens with Dirty Mike & The Boyz

Treat Yo'self


Catch It & Shine On

4 Brands Bring Us The Fashion Apocalypse


When LL Bean and The Brooks Brothers wrote the book of fashion, they foresaw four icons that would catastrophically alter the culture of clothing forever: The Griz Coat, Butt Snorkeler, Pit Viper, and Dong Sarongs.

These Are Their Premonitions Incarnate:

Rider I: Dong Sarong

The pandemic it unleashed...


“We looked, and there before us floated a white swan. Mothers immediately and instinctively shielded their kin's eyes from its rider. For this rider was given the special power to blind by bare skin, a stray-pube-laden bikini line, and the hungriest of hungry-bums the world had ever known." - The Brooks Brothers, 1833
So Little Left For The Imagination

Rider II: Butt Snorkeler

Its plague upon fashion...

“I looked, and there before me stood the Butt Snorkeler. He held a snorkel, and had been given a mission to bring caboose spelunking out of the shadows and into everyday activity. He rode out as a conqueror, hell-bent on spreading a new way of life for the most luscious rumps of the world.” - LL Bean, 1912

Dive Deep

Rider III: Pit Viper

The hell it unleashed on Earth...

“Then a fiery red Siren appeared atop a douche-lord hoverboard. Through heavily-mirrored shades, its rider was given the power to capture wandering eyes instantly." - Elisha, Daniel, Edward and John Brooks, 1833

Undress 'Em With Hidden Eyes

Rider IV: Griz Coat

The primal mayhem it brought...

 “...and there before me was the rider dressed as a white bear. It arrived on a Sharper Image scooter (that kids normally returned in exchange for the superiorly-constructed Razor brand scooter with the wheelie bar). How could one be so animalistic while moving so far away from humanity, yet remain wholly human?" - Leon Leonwood (LL) Bean, 1912

There's Nothing Human About It


So Nice We're Bringing 'Em Back Twice

Getcha Some

Ride Out & Shine On

Performance Polos That Won't Make You Look Like A Frat Lord Named Chaz

Polos get a bad rap. Some say they're too casual to be formal and too formal to be casual. They're the red-headed step child of clothing— you don't know whether to keep it in the closet or take it around town to beat it up a little. However, if JNCO jeans can make it big, these can too.
Here are...
I Don't Need A Scenario
Bowler's Nipple is a real thing. The last thing you want to do during disco bowling is explain to others why your nipples are bleeding through your white Ralph Lauren polo.
These Babies Are Soft Performance Polos
So You Won't Have Any Splainin' To Do
Polos and fedoras go together like Craigslist dates and food courts. That's actually not true at all, but we like to think if there's ever someone who would get a date from a Craigslist casual encounter, he'd be sportin' a fedora. At the food court. In a polo.
They're Fedorable
If you're at the arcade and the ticket-teller isn't wearing a polo with a name tag, you didn't go to a real arcade. Polos are mandatory for every employee, from the go-kart marshall to the batting cage ball boy.
Now That's A Real Polo Sport
Wearing a polo out of the house is a questionable move, but wearing a polo to an interview is something only a true desperado would try.
For Pete's Sake
Have Some Dignity
The Guys Who Are Determined To Bring Back Polos
They're a Georgia-based clothing company that would choose two-for-one margaritas at Chili's over Fogo de Chão. They're good with moms, they'd leave their wives for Oprah, and if they were a sex scandal, they'd be a hybrid of Anthony Weiner and Brett Farve's (that's one helluva way to describe a polo), with the judiciary outcome of Hulk Hogan vs. Gawker.
Fogo De Chao Is Overrated Anyways
Don't Act Like You Wouldn't Mary Oprah Too

Roll Out & Shine On

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