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The Shiner

Delete This Blog...If You Didn't Go To College

2 Cleveland Steamers,

22 oz Gasoline,

1 bout of Plantar Fasciitis,

17 Lit'l Smokies,

and 1-lifetime ban from Disney Resorts later...

Grab your walking around money, cuz these new, officially licensed NCAA shoes are...

We WALKED five-hun-dred-miles and we walked five-hun-dred-more just to be the ones who walked a thousand miles so you know what to expect before these suckers show up at your door.
DA DA DA DA
Da da da dun diddle un diddle un diddle uh da da

These will stain, early and often. The canvas fabric holds onto stains so well it would make Billy Mays rise from the dead for one final OxiClean infomercial.

*These worn-in-photoshoot shoes are available for purchase with stains still on them. Email customerservice@shinesty.com to get these half off at $29.99.

Listen up you entrepreneurial, Adderall-slanging college pharmacists, the first thing you need to learn about being a kingpin is you've gotta mark your territory. 

Get One On Every Block

The laces were the first to go...up in flames. Once the smoke clears you'll be left with a one-of-a-kind charred look only 91 octane can deliver.

*Get these limited worn-in-photoshoot, baptism-by-fire edition samples, for free while supplies last. All you have to send customerservice@shinesty.com a note about why you deserve them most, and how you'll use them. Must be submitted by 7PM Est on Friday, March 10th. 

Where There's Fire There's Water

Throw away your arm floaties. These are the forbidden love children of Crocs and Chucks.

They Could Raise The Titanic

What's better than 8 eyelets? 14 eyelets. It's a modern marvel how a non-high-top shoe can feature so many grommets on such a small eyestay.

*We originally scored its grommetization factor 14/14, but after consideration, revised it to 16/14 because we forgot to count the two side grommets for ventilation.

The sole's design was inspired by a 2x4. If you plan on breaking these in while drinking around the world at Epcot (how we walked 1000 miles and got a lifetime ban from all Disney properties in only 35 min), you should expect a mean case of Plantar Fasciitis.

They're Still Better Than Crocs

It doesn't take an associate's degree from Devry to know these are your basic tailgate shoes. Don't expect an exquisite pair of Heelys or artfully constructed Air Force Ones. They're made to absorb beer, throw-up, and condiments...then be washed at least 8 times like your old pair of white VANS.

I Didn't Even Go To College

But I'll Take These Shoes

*Right now we only have these 10 NCAA schools, but if you don't see your team and would like us to carry it, please sign up here.

 

Sharpshoot & Shine On

This is an image...if you don't have images enabled, you're missing out.

We've Fired Our Design Team

See anything wrong here?

Neither did we. So, we proudly posted our new St. Paddy's blazer, cracked a cold one, and headed to SHABOOMS! in celebration of our new hero product.

Then, we checked the comments...

It turns out four-leaf clovers have absolutely nothing to do with St. Paddy's Day. And, to answer your question, yes, the design team has been let go. Effective immediately. 

Design, we know you're reading this so please grab a box and move along. It makes it easier on all of us.

Get This Four-Leaf Collector's Item
Because We're Not Making It Again
                                                                                                                                              

Were we on a Jame-O, Lucky Charm marshmallow, and Flogging Molly-fueled design bender when we created this? Yes. We thought the "Luck Of the Irish" was with us. So, we went straight to print

...on the jacket you saw.

...and then on this dress.

...and then again on this dress shirt.

We don't know whether to thank Sunny, Tom, and Patricia for keeping us honest; Darcey for helping politely remind Tom that he isn't qualified to speak on the matter; or James for sparking up this dumpster fire.

We Missed The Mark

But You'll Get Lucky Wearing This

                                                                                                                                                

Thankfully, we have shamrock designs too...

But, leave it to the trolls to remind you these three-leaf plants aren't safe from criticism either.

Trolls Gonna Troll

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

Some of you were interested in a different type of merchandise... 

The Man Comes With It, Leslie

                                                                                

 Some of you just wanted to speak your mind...

You Bet It Is, Chan

                                                                                    

...we'll leave you with this.

Let's Feck

                                                                                 

STAY WEIRD & SHINE ON

Spring Break 2k17

It's That Time Of The Year

Some of you are heading to the angelic mountains of Aspen. Others are bound for South Padre to pick up a few STDs.

Sadly, most of you are reading this from your cubicle...making the only trip you're taking is one down memory lane.

                                                                                                                   

For everyone else, we took to the free-to-use image section of Ask Jeeves and painted a picture of what to expect at these 5 iconic non-Mexico Spring Break destinations.

  

"Lake Havascrew" 

Lake Havasu is a glorified floating trailer park of ratchet spring breakers secreting enough raw, anything-goes-for-the-day sexual tension that you could fuel a powerboat off of it. 

The scenery is majestic, but there's a bout of Giardia waiting for anyone who dares enter the water. This may or may not be perpetuated by you and your 8 sunburned pals clogging the houseboat's crapper on day 1.

Put Out The Vibe

"The Above Ground Pool Of Spring Break"

South Padre is a breeding ground where twerkin' champs with tramp stamps aggressively mate with white-rimmed Oakley and cargo short-wearers. It's where wife beater sunburns elope with wet T-shirts, and where every foam party is a frenzy of rubbin' and touchin' beneath the bubbles.

You may also like: Gulf Shores, Destin, Myrtle Beach, Rocky Point, Galveston, Fort Lauderdale.

"Trust Fund Paradise"

Aspen is the place where those with private jets outnumber those without private jets. In college, you have no business going to Aspen unless you're burning through your trust fund on $129 bottles of Veuve Cliquot, spraying it all over yourself, and calling it a "party."

Trust Funders May Also Like: Yellowstone Club, Deer Valley, or any other resort with a Ritz at the base.

Top tip: save your money and go anywhere else, then use said savings here.

Pay To Aprés

"Gettin' Ship Faced"

They say in life, two things are certain: death and taxes. On a spring break cruise ship, there's another certainty: noroviruses. 

It's the least you can expect when part of your planning process involves sneaking booze through used shampoo bottles, but the views are impeccable. You can see an entire ocean through your 6x12in cabin window. 

Hey, You Can Wear a Banana Hammock The Whole Time

"Ladies Night"

For women, it’s ladies night every second of every minute of every hour. There are no lines or obligations, and infinite free booze.

Men, enjoy forking over $200 to the bouncer and standing in line for $20 Redbull vodkas. You’ll inevitably try screaming your love-sonnet to her over the club's music only to limp away from the night (and the trip) with a raspy voice and broken bank account.

 Guys, Actually Save $ By Going To Aspen



Dive Into SB2K17 & Shine On

 

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