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Well look what you’ve stumbled upon. I bet you thought this was some innocuous block of text designed to give you, the curious shopper, a little more information about the brand and the party outfits we sell. Think again, bucko.

Everytime you see one of these huge paragraphs at the bottom of a website’s homepage boasting about the weird clothes they sell, their new state of the art SaaS play, or whatever tasty meshugas they’re pitching, it’s for one thing and one thing only, Search Engine Optimization (SEO). These selfish sites are out here using your precious time and energy for their financial gain and it’s disgusting. I mean we’re doing it too, but at least we’re honest about it.

You want to know how exactly are we profiting off the ignorance of the masses? It’s all about algorithms baby, and Google’s got a spicy one. You’ve gotta feed the beast and in return it’ll cough up its precious gold coins to buy those fancy treats you’re after (in this case our party attire).

It all starts with what we in the biz call “Keywords”, these are just fancy strings of letters that Yahoo’s dumbass robots loves to see, read, and deliver to kind folks like you. In this case let’s take the keyword: party clothes. Pretty innocent right? Wrong, that sucker’s worth 1,600 monthly searches in the old Ask Jeeves and we’re after those sweet ‘n’ succulent clicks.

So what do we do? We fool the all-seeing cloud into thinking we’re the best boys and girls in the world for that word by throwing it into a sentence like this: “Shop the most outrageous selection of party clothes on the interwebs”, and boom, now the entire dark web is looking at that scrumptious keyword and determining if we’ve earned the right to sit atop the throne above the ratty vintage clothing dealers, the generic rainforest based fun costume vendors, or some drunken dwarves trying to push one-wear to trashcan clothing.

But, in order to solidify our funny outfit standing on the world wide web we can’t just stop there. We’ve really got to hammer it home. So we add in some supporting content like, “only this outrageous apparel can make you feel as full of life and juvenile as you did in the days of your youth, the days when you ran around from sunrise from sunset, the days when scuffing up your party outfit only added character to it, the days when you were really you.”

Now all you’ve got to do is just take this method and repeat it a couple dozen times until you own the internet. Sure it’s cheesy, but that’s easy to forget when the bitcoins start rolling in like it’s December 2017 all over again. Now stop reading this and go buy something so we can feed our bad habits and terrible decisions.

Love,
Shinesty

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